Halfwit Nation

Delivering the stories THEY don't want you to read, including: . People who know how to fucking park on brink of extinction . Fat kids to be chased to school by dogs . Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus . Estate agents will starve to death, says upbeat report . UK threat level raised to 'Underpants' . Free bank with every new mobile . Britain strikes gold in sport no one watches . Ferguson apologises to premenstrual Reading fans . Beckham unable to pronounce 'Scientology' Meanwhile Agony Aunt Petula Soul tackles a diverse range of bizarre sexual problems and astrologer Psychic Bob maps your mystic future ('There's always a chance you'll get something you have been wanting for a long time. But there's a much bigger chance you won't'). Plus: opinion polls, talking dogs and an absolutely gigantic rat. 'Makes the New Testament look like a lot of insane, voodoo rubbish' - Rt Rev. Tom Logan, St Clive's, Taunton